Post 289

Hidden Depths: Reflections on Identity and Suicide

People underestimate the complexity of each other. We meet someone and we immediately begin the process of analyzing them and categorizing them, according to the patterns that we have learned up to that point in our lives. Before long, we’ve given this new person a pigeon-hole, a file folder, a number, whatever. It’s sometimes provisional and it’s sometimes immutable. I suppose you could call it judging, but that does imply making a decision about their moral qualities, and often it doesn’t go that far. The process of sizing each other up is so natural, so second-nature, that I would say there isn’t anyone who doesn’t do it. We size up everything around us, so why wouldn’t we do it with respect to human beings? We need to assess our environment; we reflexively determine whether something is helpful or harmful to us, and we learn by comparing what we encounter with what we have encountered in the past.

I was once sent an email with a whole bunch of questions, and one of them asked what I notice first about a person. I thought about that for a while. I think that I answered it quite accurately, saying that I notice quite a few things almost instantaneously, without even really thinking about it. Upon meeting someone, I get an impression of their physical size, age, gender and race. When I can’t determine gender, I notice that I can’t determine gender. Later, other elements come into focus, such as style and demeanor.

We’re used to noticing quite a bit about each other without realizing it. There’s nothing wrong with having impressions, and there’s nothing wrong with having preferences, tastes, likes and dislikes. Why should I be apologetic about disliking a certain accent, or a certain type of clothing? You are the same way, having likes and dislikes. It’s even possible that your list of dislikes is longer than mine. In any case, the issue is not in noticing or not noticing. The issue is what you do once you’ve noticed. You’ve noticed that she’s the wealthy one, and he looks like he’s unemployed. Do you treat them differently? This man is a recent immigrant and that man is a popular soccer player; do you distrust one while idolizing the other?

What do you do with your impressions? That’s the key thing.

But my point right now is that our impressions of each other, even when they are gathered over repeated encounters, are still going to fall short of the truth.

There are a few reasons for this. The first element is that most people maintain an image. They want to be seen in a certain way. And the list of ways that they want to be seen is astoundingly long. You have in your mind a list of ways that you might want to be perceived, but people are very, very, complex, and there are some people who want to be perceived in ways you wouldn’t dream. For instance, some people want to be perceived as inept and incompetent. They nurture and foster this image because it is a way of getting others to help them, and do their work for them. Some people want to be seen as having mental issues, because it allows them a greater freedom to behave in ways that otherwise wouldn’t be tolerated.

The second element is that, in general, people don’t want to draw attention to themselves regarding things that they know to be wrong. Someone commits a murder or does some other horrific thing, and the neighbour is interviewed saying that the murderer was such a quiet man. They are shocked, of course. There’s the assumption that if a person isn’t acting wildly, then he’s safe and quite predictable. So we are surrounded by people who are thinking and feeling and wanting all kinds of things, but they blend in, because they are not acting wildly.

We are thus shocked when someone commits suicide. They seemed fine. They weren’t acting wildly or acting distressed. In order to understand what has happened, the new trend is to immediately blame mental illness. I disagree with this approach because it is illogical. Suicide does not necessarily mean that there was mental illness. Mental illness can increase the likelihood that one would be tempted to commit suicide, but it does not work in reverse, where you can conclude, upon hearing of a suicide, that the person had mental illness. It’s kind of annoying the way people without any clue of the circumstances start cooing about how sad it is that so-and-so had a mental illness. Suicide is not conclusive proof.

I actually believe that in the moments before suicide, God gives the person enough lucidity to make a real decision. I believe this because I believe that when the moral stakes are high, God doesn’t allow for random accidents. When the moral stakes are high, there are decisions being made and personal intention is at the forefront.

Suicide is a radically violent act. A person who commits suicide is a murderer. A person who commits suicide chooses to disregard the thoughts, feelings and desires of everyone in the world except his own. A person who commits suicide chooses to disregard the pain of all those who will be hurt by his death.

If someone commits suicide, and you are surprised, then I say that you did not truly know that person. You did not know that he had the ability for such violence within him, in the same way that you did not know that your murdering neighbour had the ability for such violence within him. You did not know, further, that he was capable of disregarding (or even intending) the pain of those he seemed to love.

When I learned, last month, of the suicide of 28-year old Tim Bergling, known as Avicii, I was brought back to April of 1994, when I was told that Kurt Cobain had committed suicide. Cobain was 27 years old at the time. The name of his band was Nirvana, a word describing the ideal afterlife in Buddhism. I heard the news from a teenage fan of his, who was shaken and distraught.

I am not impressed with the choice of Mr. Bergling to commit suicide, especially in light of his fame. Nor am I impressed with Kate Valentine, otherwise known as Kate Spade, whose name appears on expensive handbags throughout the world, in her decision to commit suicide yesterday. Those who are very famous have a responsibility to not cause scandal. They influence others by their choices, and this means that they must be extra vigilant about their actions. I believe that in the case of famous people, God gives additional grace to prevent them from doing what is wrong and detrimental to society at large, and for this reason, it is far worse for them when they intentionally choose to do what is wrong. Committing suicide is wrong.

Who is the victim in a suicide? The idea that the person who killed himself must have been in a lot of pain, is neither a full answer nor an excuse. By that rationale, almost any crime or immorality could be excused. A murderer is often beside himself in rage or jealousy before killing his victim. That’s pain; that’s mental anguish. A woman who commits adultery is eaten up by lust before being unfaithful. That’s pain; that’s mental anguish. A man who wants the money for gambling is often fixated and without rest before committing his robbery. That’s pain too. Most serious acts of immorality are preceded by a period of obsessing and a form of distress.

The fact that there is a great deal of mental anguish or pain prior to the decision to do A, B or C, does not give license to relieve the pain in any way you would like. In what circumstances do we accept the answer, “I just couldn’t help myself”? It’s usually a highly problematic answer, being almost always false.

Human beings suffer agony in a million ways, but we still must choose what is right. Moreover, we are always given the ability to choose what is right.

This ties in with my point that human beings are more difficult to understand than we think. We think we know someone, and then they do something shocking. This shows that we did not know them as well as we thought. You thought this man was gentle, but nobody who commits suicide can be properly called gentle, in light of the violence and permanence of the action. You thought that man was happy, but if a person ends his own life and his closest friends didn’t see it coming, then he wasn’t as happy as he seemed. There were depths within that person which were dark and hidden. What does Avicii mean, after all? Avici refers, in Buddhism, to the lowest reaches of hell, where those who commit the worst sins go. It’s spelled with a single “i” ending, but apparently Tim Bergling was so enamoured with the word as a way to identify himself that he was willing to modify it to use it. Yet his excuse for not using his own real name was that “Tim Bergling” was already taken on Myspace. Was Tiim Bergliing taken too?

Who is the victim in a suicide? Many are wounded. There are the close family members and friends. There are more distant relations and acquaintances. There are, in the case of the famous, the admirers. In fact, all who learn of any suicide are wounded, because suicide becomes more ingrained as a ‘solution’ for difficult times, and suicide becomes normalized, and — it’s painful to say it — even glamorized. And, in the midst of all this, what a shame that something so horrible and hopeless is whitewashed by people wanting to be or appear enlightened or sympathetic.

The one wounded most of all, however, is God. All sins are an offence against the Eternal God before they are an offence against mortal man. It’s God’s code that we violate when we go against what is right.

The reason for this, and also the reason that we cannot fully understand or appreciate one another (or even ourselves), is that each person is a mystery. When you consider the working of your own mind, and what you continue to learn about yourself, you realize that you are constantly rediscovering new things about who you are and what makes you tick. Marriage, likewise, is a process of continual discovery, where each spouse learns more about the other all the time. An individual’s personal identity is filled with so many aspects that the modern discussion has resorted to talking about identity conflict and changing one’s identity, the way we might talk about changing our outfits or style. Such talk is foolish. With new experiences and with new knowledge, we may change our perceptions and therefore our behaviour, for better or worse, but we are ultimately the same person. Our identity is our identity. Our soul is our soul. And body and soul, each person is a mystery that only God can understand, and those who cut short their lives or the lives of others, are preventing the mystery from coming to fruition (though it must be said that in his mercy, God always has yet another back-up plan; God can never be thwarted).

We are a mystery, further, because we do not know God’s plan for our lives. We do not know what he will make of the clay that is us. We do not know how he imagines us and how he will bless us and shape us. In the same way, we do not know what his plans are for everyone around us. All we can know is that his plans are for the ultimate benefit of each person, without the benefit to one person diminishing the benefit to another, as if God were constrained by human rules and limits. The path that he has planned is unique for each person, and each life story is an exciting one, with many twists and turns. Each life story is, in fact, amazing. The key thing to know, however, is that there are an endless number of variations on your life story, and the end result depends on your willingness to cooperate with the plan that he has for you. The plan is going to surprise you, because just when you think that you know the rest of the story, he’ll do a zig and a zag, just to see if you’re still following along. The plan will surprise you, because just when you think that you know what he wants, things will go up and things will go down, and he’ll show you that all he wants is for you to be willing to want what he wants. Consider Abram, who knew that he would never have a child from Sarah, his wife, the love of his life, and that he’d die in Ur, where he was born. Then he discovered that he was to leave Ur and go to an unknown place. He obeyed. Then he discovered that he was to have a son with his wife Sarah. He believed this too and it happened, and Abram’s name got changed along the way. Later he realized he would have to sacrifice his son. Abraham obeyed again, but at the critical moment, he was told that God didn’t want this sacrifice. Abraham never knew what was coming next, but he believed in God’s goodness. The knowledge of God’s goodness was his anchor. Abraham’s confidence did not come from thinking that he, Abraham, was good. Abraham’s confidence came from knowing that God was good, and that God would fulfill his promises.

If you read the bible carefully, you will notice that saints and prophets are praised when they believe that God will fulfill his promises, that God will be as good as he says he will be. It’s praiseworthy because it is difficult. When St. Elizabeth praises the Blessed Virgin, she says, “And blessed is she who believed that there would be a fulfillment of what was spoken to her from the Lord.” (Luke 1:45)

So let there be no room for despair. Hang in there.

Don’t be afraid and don’t believe the lies given to you by the devil, of unending suffering, impossible struggles, humiliation and defeat. Those are lies. All lies.

Wait for the plan of your life to unfold. Wait to discover the mystery that is you.

Know that God is good. He always has a plan, even when all seems lost.

Post 288

Up Late Last Night

Writing Again

What can I compare it to?
I say it’s like
A fire
Intensely burning
To flash
To be bright
To give light
What can I compare it to?
I say it’s like
An ocean
Immeasurable depths
Down, down, down
And across
A crossword puzzle, I guess
Words this way
Words that way
And again
What can I compare it to?
I say it’s like
The wind
Pent up
Suddenly urgent
Then spent
Blowing free!



Saint Stunts

People mistake
‘bout the big league saints
Y’ know?

They figure
‘slike Batman
Super powers n’ stuff

‘cept with more prayin’
n’ rosaries
n’ stuff

Readin’ souls
Conversin’ with the Lord
Stigmata n’ stuff

When y’ want

Healin’ powers
Left right n’ cen’r
‘terior locution n’ stuff

When y’ want

Truth is
Truth is

Ain’t like that
Ain’t like that
Just ain’t

The saints’d tell ya
They’d tell ya
It ain’t


Well, it’s diff’rent
I’ll tell ya

It’s like
It’s like

It’s like
You’re not in charge, see
Don’t call no shots
Don’t press no buttons

Don’t get to choose
No timin’ on gifts
Or kind

That’s why they’s called

God ain’t no vendin’ machine
Push this
Get that

And saints
Saints got that

They get that
They’d tell ya
‘Salways surprisin’
When all sudd’n ya




For your information

I forgive you



And That Was That

There was a time
When I said what I thought
And that was

They wouldn’t hurt me
On purpose

Not really and truly
On purpose

Who would hurt someone
Who meant well?

They just
They just didn’t mean it
They just didn’t know better
They just didn’t realize
They just didn’t think it through

And failing that

Maybe they were just a Little Messed Up

So let me say
It’s much easier to forgive
When the excuse comes first
When the sympathetic mind has defence after defence
And theories galore

So now has come a time
When I say what I think
And that is

It’s tougher
By a wide fucking margin
To forgive
When you happen to know

Choices were made
Words were calculated
Actions were planned
Stories were told
Facts were hidden
Falsehoods were spread

On purpose

And Messed Up
Isn’t the truth

To forgive
When you happen to know

They meant it
They knew better
They realized
They thought it through

It’s tougher
As I said
With emphasis

But it can be done
It can, in fact, be done
Many times over

Step out of yourself for a moment

See yourself from another angle
See yourself as someone you needn’t protect
See yourself as someone mortal

Who will die
Who, in a way, doesn’t matter
Who can be rejected and neglected, at least for now

Consider Christ
Who asks this of you
Out of love for him, you can say

It doesn’t really matter, in the end
What good or harm was intended for me
While I lived my life on earth

What matters is
What good or harm I intended for others
While I lived my life on earth

With your eyes on Christ,
You can say
I will do your will

You ask for this
You give the grace for this
So I forgive




I won’t be seeing you
Anytime soon

Trust me
It’s for your good
And mine

You might say something you regret

Caution is a form of self respect


Post 287
(A guest post by Miriam C.)

December 12, 2017

My daughter, . . . I am happy you came to pray, even when you were tired. You trusted, and you were rewarded.

Do not worry about the future; trust and you will understand and see the miracles that the Father is capable of. Many doubt his power; many underestimate the strength of a prayer; many do not see how it is possible, and disbelieve. No, in the future everything will be as promised; the world shall be there, all will see and hear. Every country and every land shall be there. Humanity will see a change in tide. Many will rejoice and be in awe, for now, now is the time for the Savior to come. Trust in me, believe, and you will see the love of God. Do not be afraid to imagine and hope. Think of the future and what you want, for it will all come soon.

Post 286
For my mother

Required Reading:
Four Truths About Motherhood to Counter the Four Modern Lies

The modern world has a commercial mindset, and views every aspect of human life through the lens of money. Everything is an object or a service to be bought and sold.

For this reason, the modern world has difficulty comprehending things done for free. It has special labels for one-time donations of time and energy (it’s a Random Act of Kindness!), but sustained projects, where there is no profit or fame, are confusing to the world. Even those who begin projects just for fun begin to feel, at one point or another, that they should be making money at their project. They begin a fashion blog, just for fun, but before you know it, their blog is filled from top to bottom with affiliate links. They begin a cleaning/organizing blog, just for fun, but before you know it, their blog is clogged with reminders to buy their upcoming book or to hire them as a speaker for your next event. It’s too bad. Why not continue how you began, when blogging was thought of as another hobby, something done for personal enjoyment, and not for profit?

Even volunteering is coloured by the same what’s-in-it-for-me mentality. People want to know that their volunteering efforts will be rewarded with free pizza, a free drink or two, a good view of the main act, a chance to meet people and a cool t-shirt. Afterwards, they’ll include the details of their volunteerism on their updated resume. There’s no crime here, of course, but my point is that if you want me to be impressed with your volunteer activities, let’s talk about why you volunteered in the first place.

The world doesn’t try to understand what cannot be bought and sold, and doesn’t try to understand those who operate on a relationship model as opposed to a profit model. The world sympathizes with volunteerism, to a point, but those who sacrifice ‘too much’ are viewed as, well, not too bright.

The world sends the message that if something is without price, then it must be without value. It’s a message that, sadly, many people have accepted and internalized.

Far too many otherwise-intelligent men and women believe that those who earn less money have less value as human beings.

This belief, incidentally, is behind much of the discrimination against children. Children are treated as unimportant, and are quite openly spurned, laughed at and discounted. They are viewed as simple and transparent, when the reality is that their thoughts, feelings, struggles, dreams, wants and needs are usually quite hidden from view. The truth is that the nine-year old girl that you see before you is just as complex as you are; the five-year old boy that you see is as much of a mystery as you are. They are often more intelligent, sensible and wise than you are, and they are often holier than you. Dismiss them at your peril.

People value themselves and each other based on money — specifically, take-home income. You can’t say they are competing on net-worth, because people hide the amount of personal debt they have. They compete on perceived take-home income, assuming that the more you make, the more you’ll have.

And so it is that motherhood is undervalued. Motherhood is seen as a trade that earns no income, and so motherhood, on its own, is considered incomplete.

LIE #1: “Motherhood is not a real job.”

I wrote the lie this way because this is exactly how much of the post-feminist world views motherhood, society and the purpose of life. The lie takes for granted that the purpose of life is to succeed, to ‘define’ yourself by the money you make, and further assumes that you’ll be needing a job to define yourself.

By the standards of the world, things are ‘real’ when they involve money, and of course, the bigger the bucks, the ‘realer’ they are. This lie puts motherhood into the category of temporary work or volunteering, something which can be undertaken for a while, but which should ultimately be replaced (or at least supplemented) by something more dollars-and-cents-ible.

I disagree with those who try to win approval for motherhood by showing how similar motherhood is to familiar occupations. A mother, they say, is a short-order cook, a baker, a janitor, a nurse, an event coordinator, a personal assistant, a secretary, a mentor, a teacher, a gardener, a taxi-driver. They go on to say that the woman who stays at home deserves to be paid such-and-such an annual sum, when you consider that she works about 16 hours a day, is on call, and switches between all of these tasks at a moment’s notice.

No, no, no. By justifying motherhood by its workplace equivalents, and by coming up with some sort of a price tag, one is falling into the trap of quantifying economically what should not be quantified economically. Motherhood is not meant to be measured or thought of in economic terms. It must be viewed in terms of relationship, not in terms of commerce. People are, at their core, relational beings, not commercial ones.

Similarly, even if someone were to stand up and show graphs and charts, spanning generations, proving that there are long-term economic benefits to a society if mothers stay home to raise their children into adulthood, I would still caution against evaluating motherhood in terms of economic prosperity.

The truth is that motherhood is a gift.

TRUTH #1: Motherhood is a gift.

There are three vocations:
1) Married life
2) Religious life (priest, brother, sister)
3) Single life

Motherhood is distinct from the mothering instinct, the latter being something which comes with being female. The mothering instinct can be evident through the stereotypical expressions, such as wanting to take care of dolls or wanting to hold babies, but it is not limited to these expressions. The empathy, compassion and tenderness that a woman feels towards friends, parents, communities and nations are also expressions of the mothering instinct.

Motherhood is a natural result of married life, which is one of the three vocations, but openness to motherhood, in and of itself, does not guarantee that one will become a mother.

Motherhood is, after all, a gift. It’s not something that you earn, or that you’re entitled to by right. It’s a free gift of God, and it’s one of the biggest gifts a human being can receive: another human being.

When it comes to gifts, there are right ways to receive them and there are wrong ways.

Accepting the gift of motherhood properly means accepting it with your whole heart, and accepting it as a relationship. It means treating it with awe and respect, and giving it a preeminent spot in one’s life. Indeed, very little should come before it.

God is first. Family life is second.

Everything else can scramble for third place.

Motherhood must not be viewed as a burden, and evaluated according to how much money it costs or how much it hampers your earning capacity. It should not be viewed as a temporary occupation which takes you out of the workplace, aka ‘the real world.’ Motherhood is not something that interrupts your life. Motherhood is a gift of life, and a gift of relationship.

LIE #2: “Children need to go to school.”

When I think about schools, I hardly know where to begin.

The problem with schools is that most of society has stopped thinking about them. Children spend the best part of their daily lives there, for years, and society turns a deaf ear to children who say they don’t enjoy it.

Your opinion, if you are young enough, just doesn’t matter.

Let’s think about schools.

Let’s think about everything about them. Let’s think about the average day of a student. Let’s think about all of the decisions that are made about their lives by people who don’t know them and who don’t care about them.

You will see that most of the rules which shape the life of a child in school are designed to make the child ‘manageable.’ Any time you have a group of living beings confined against their will, the trick is to make them manageable. Consider prisons or asylums or zoos.

Various measures are put into place in order to maintain control over children in school. Children are divided into different rooms and these rooms are governed by adults (‘teachers’) who are assigned to them. The children are told when and where to sit and stand, and occasionally they are told to lie down on the floor. Sometimes they are told not to run, and sometimes they are told to run. They are required to participate in various physical activities at times chosen by others (‘physical education’). They are told when they may or may not eat. They must request permission to drink water or to use the washroom. They are made to stand in lines, and younger children are often told to put their hands behind their backs while they stand or walk in these lines. Silence is enforced repeatedly, using various techniques. These are the physical elements of control.

Most teachers will tell you that all of this control is necessary.

Teachers like control because it makes their job easier. Teaching is, after all, a job.

Once control is achieved, after a greater or lesser struggle, requiring minimal or great amounts of time, and minimal or great amounts of psychological manipulation, the goal is to deal with the minds of the children.

Let’s think about that part too.

Students are required to learn things that they don’t care about, using resources that they haven’t chosen and methods that may or may not be interesting. They are required to complete craft projects at a moment’s notice with almost no latitude for artistic freedom, and read ‘literature’ that virtually no adult would willingly inflict upon himself. They are made to stand in front of the class to give presentations and answer questions. They are made to write about things that don’t interest them. They are shown movies that they haven’t chosen (often on a daily basis because many classrooms nowadays use videos as a babysitter during lunch, free-time, and indoor recess) and they are required to sing songs that are wretched.

Now let’s think about the teachers.

The teachers are there because they are paid to be there. If you took away their salaries, they would not volunteer to do what they do.

A teacher is an average person, to the extent that there is such a thing as an average person. A teacher is, for the most part, of average intelligence. It is not particularly difficult, in the U.S. or Canada, to become one. Getting into the faculty of education has always been easier than getting into most other faculties, and once you’re in, the courses are not difficult. You’d be surprised and a little disturbed to see how many courses are about psychology. The student graduating with a Bachelor of Education degree believes that she has learned a lot about how to get children to behave the way she wants, using cutting-edge psychological ‘tools.’

Alright. So you have an average person with an average intellect going to work. The workplace is physically clean and safe, the physical demands are minimal, and the chances that one will be injured or die on the job site are next to nil. The hours are typical for a white-collar occupation, and there are many days off. The government pays the salary, and the salary is better than decent, with increases based on seniority, and not on performance. There’s no fight for clients or customers. Job security is good. As for status, it’s excellent. Society smiles upon teachers, believing the lie that it takes a whole village to raise a child.

There are two things that are very difficult about being a teacher.

The first is that it is very difficult to secure control over a group of individuals who are being confined against their will, and being made to follow someone else’s game plan. Unlike teachers, students are not being paid to be there. They have no choice.

The second is that a teacher must interact with other teachers and staff. In almost any school, the internal conflict between the adults is apparent within a few hours of interacting with the staff. Almost any observant person will soon see that the staff at a school is divided in many ways. Various factions vie for recognition and perks. Teachers watch for opportunities to expand their own circle of influence, so that their opinions about who is ‘good’ and who is ‘bad,’ will have the desired effect. The teachers who are unpopular are avoided, talked about, taken advantage of, not helped, and even sabotaged. Teachers smile and fawn upon the principal or others who seem powerful (“Ooh, I love your hair!” “You need to go home and get some rest!” “Of COURSE I’d love to help you out with that!”), but it’s artificial, and they’ll tell you what they really think, if it would be to their advantage. Indeed, if you’re in a school when everyone seems to have gone home, you may stumble upon Teacher A griping to Teacher B about Teacher C, or about the principal. And in a school where the women outnumber the men, the men become the sounding-board for the grievances of many female teachers; they expect the male teachers to take their side, husband-style. These men learn to sound sympathetic, because that’s the game they play.

I believe that schools suffer from in-fighting and back-stabbing more than the average business because businesses generally need to move and operate more quickly than government institutions. Businesses are like rivers, flowing constantly and changing to adapt to the customers, which is their environment. Survival is less of a sure thing, and false moves may mean that the company dries up. By comparison, a school is like a stagnant pond, where nobody is there because they want to be, but where everyone can safely predict the school will go on. Sure, politics are everywhere, and social climbers play games everywhere, but some places are worse than others. Schools are some of the worst, and I sympathize with teachers who are there to teach.

Dealing with the parents is popularly seen as one of the difficult aspects of being a teacher, but for the most part, parents are quite afraid to rock the boat. Parents are generally compliant when the schools make rules about what their children are allowed to have in their lunch boxes, and what their children must do for homework, and what money or objects the parents need to supply. The parents generally don’t protest when the school dress code changes or when the pick-up or drop-off rules change. The parents generally hide their frustrations from the teachers and school administrators. Once at home, however, the parents become easily exasperated about homework issues, and parents often live with the fear of being judged by the school for any number of things (will the school think I’m a bad parent if . . . ?).

Indeed, anyone looking at the situation from the outside would think that the child and the parent exist to please the school.

The lie is that children need to go to school, but the schools and the teachers are the ones who need the children. The government gives money to the schools based on how many students are enrolled. No students means no money, which means no teacher salaries.

School administrators are tempted to see children as dollar signs, and this applies to administrators in the public system, the private system and the homeschool system. More students means more money.

I write all of this about schools because the lie that children need schools is damaging to motherhood and family life. Sending your child to school damages the bond that you have with your child because it drastically reduces the time that you have to spend together. What time you do have with your child will be spent satisfying the schools. Your child’s sleep schedule will be based on what works best for the school. Your child’s evenings will often involve homework, assigned by the school. The energy of the child is consumed by the school; there is far less time for family life. Further, when the parent sends the child to school, the child learns that the parent will not be there to assist him. He is to fend for himself in all of the experiences of the school day, and there are many. It’s called ‘learning to be independent,’ but independence is misunderstood when it comes to children. When you want to be independent, you break away. Children are not breaking away when they go to school. They are being sent away. There’s no choice involved; it’s compulsion, approved by the state and almost all of society. Children have no choice but to deal with everything with little to no help. The child learns to turn to friends to share what can be shared, but the painful experiences aren’t easily confided, and so the child is sometimes left to carry these burdens alone. The suffering of children is so often hidden. Mainly, they pretend they aren’t suffering.

Not long ago, I told a teacher that a student was crying. She was dismissive: “Someone’s always crying.”

The lie is that children need schools. They don’t need them. Teach your child to read when your child seems ready to read, and the rest will work out on its own. We’re in a very literate society now, and there are resources upon resources available to everyone. Being able to read unlocks millions of doors.

There is no need to separate from your child. Your child will be fine without school, and will learn at home everything that she needs to know and more. Given freedom, your child will discover what she’s interested in, and will astound you by becoming quite the expert. Let it happen. Don’t believe that schools are necessary for human development. The truth is that civilization has functioned quite well without schools. The modern school is a failed experiment.

If you want your child to be properly socialized, then develop a deeper relationship with your child. Be available to your child. Give your child the experience of a relationship grounded in unconditional love. Feeling loved is the best foundation to prepare your child for life. Feeling loved is the best education, because it gives a person the confidence to fully accept others, and it teaches a person how to build relationships.

This is an education that your child will not receive in school. It is a very rare thing for a child to feel loved in school. The varied friendships and ‘friendships,’ experienced by children are not loving ones. They are more like political alliances, fleeting and dependent on so many things. In a word, those relationships are conditional.

Teach your child what it is to be a friend. To be a friend is, first, to care deeply about the welfare of the other. When you genuinely care about someone — when you love someone — you want everything good for them, in this world and the next. To be a friend is, second, to share. This idea of sharing is barely understood nowadays, because we share so little, being part of an affluent society.

Let’s talk about it in terms of the family. The normal mindset is that a parent provides for the household, and provides for the children. The dynamic is understood as a system where the adults do all the giving and the children do all the receiving. Jokes abound about children as the annoying needy ones, which is so tragic. The parents are, on this model, the keepers of the treasure, and they must be very stingy with it, so as not to increase expectations and so as to avoid ‘spoiling’ the child. There’s a lot of tension with that mindset. It’s time to reframe this whole relationship. Think of the relationship in terms of sharing. Be wiling to share the things that you own in a non-grudging way. Be glad that you can share your home with your child. Instead of shining up your home for the upcoming book club and the party you’re going to host, think about sharing these nice things with your family. That’s your team. Your team is not your bible study group or your bridge pals. Currently, so many people trip over themselves to be good and generous hosts while asking family members to put up with that dull and ordinary second best whatever. It’s not right. Stop saving everything ‘for company.’ What’s the motivation behind that anyway? Is it really about being thoughtful to your guests? Sure, sometimes it is. But most of the time, it’s about impressing them with your ‘taste’ or talents or wealth. What a waste of time. Be glad that your hard work has allowed you to obtain food and other necessities that you can share with the family God gave you. Be glad that you can enjoy the little extras with your child. Be cheerful when you shop with your child at the grocery store; buying the things that look good, on the spur of the moment, can feel like a delightful conspiracy. So what if your cart is filled with chips and pop this time? Maybe you all have a craving; it’s nobody’s business. As much as possible, make household objects belong to everyone. You already live together; why not share? Mothers should be willing to make their items available for their daughters, especially if these items would otherwise sit unused most of the time. That purse, this necklace, those rings — who cares? Life is short and your daughter won’t forget your generosity and your healthy attitude towards worldly trinkets. What’s the alternative? She waits for your death in order to use your Gucci purse? That’s just gross.

Now let’s talk about other kinds of sharing. Talents are worth mentioning. Share your talents with your children. Let them into that part of your world, instead of waiting until they’re away or asleep to enjoy your special interests. Why does your best friend know more about you than your kids do? It’s time to open up. Cancel your girls night out and tell your no-longer-young daughters about dating and about the romances you had that were never meant to last. Tell them about getting engaged. Hearing your tales of what worked and what didn’t will be illuminating. They’ll be wide-eyed and laugh with you and maybe even cry with you. By the time you’re done, they’ll understand you so much better. They’ll get you. Hello, in-jokes. Hello, openness and communication.

Why do parents think that their children will confide in them when they never confide in their children? Let’s be transparent, especially within our own families. Don’t pretend you were spotless when you were young, neither thinking, hearing nor seeing anything evil. Revealing what you learned and suffered will not create a license for them to choose wrongly. That’s a lie. Let’s talk about the past and the present. If you feel hurt by an outsider or by someone in your family, go ahead and say what you feel. You’ll get to the bottom of it, and your relationship will be strengthened in the end. Don’t be reluctant to reveal to your children what you actually like and don’t like. Don’t be scared; the truth is that everyone is embarrassed to admit they like certain things. Let them read your emails. Show them the draft before you hit ‘send,’ because their input might be mighty insightful. Tell your child about the future you dream of. It’s okay. Be vulnerable. If you feel like it would be really cool to be a rock star, or learn to speak Irish, go ahead and say it. And tell your child about the things you fear. Do you fear getting old? Are you afraid of looking stupid at the upcoming talk? Are you worried about finances? It’s okay. Be vulnerable. Secrets are part of being in relationship. Share your secrets. Show your children who you really are; develop an authentic and deep relationship that can weather distance and time.

A child learns about socialization by experiencing relationships. It is family life, and not school life, that offers the best opportunity to be in authentic relationships shaped by unconditional love. What a lie it is that a child needs to be in school in order to become socialized! School separates the child from his family for most of his young life. In exchange for strengthening his relationship with his family, a child is given hours within the artificial and constraining atmosphere of the school, always interacting with children his own age. These interactions are usually superficial and almost always fleeting. The lessons learned with such relationships are often bittersweet. Children learn to avoid seeming and being vulnerable; they learn that popularity can be achieved by certain methods, and that the cost of unpopularity can be very high.

It’s time to bring them home, mama.

Truth #2: Children do not need school to learn or to be socialized.

Lie #3: “In this day and age, children need to develop certain skills.”

This lie suggests to people that the prospects for future happiness (usually referred to as ‘success,’ as if financial success results in happiness) are increased in proportion to the number of skills that you acquire. You should have ‘marketable skills.’ You should be ‘marketable,’ it is said, as if you are for sale — as if you are a cantaloupe on display.

This lie hits parents hard. Parents want to line everything up so that their child will be able to compete in the ‘real world.’ They think about rounding out their child’s portfolio of skills. What shall it be? Hockey, football or basketball? Soccer? Cheer-leading or softball? Gymnastics? Something artsy? How about an instrument? Violins are great, but what about the viola? Accordion, anyone? How about singing or ‘speech arts’? What about a leadership club and how about signing up for the Save-The-Earth-on-Tuesdays-and-Thursdays-Club?

Now don’t get me wrong. I don’t view these extra-curricular activities the same way I view schools, the most obvious difference being that they can usually be discontinued if they’re not working out. It’s good that these activities and the instructors for these activities are chosen by the child and the family, not imposed on the outside world in a heavy-handed way.

Nevertheless, there’s a pressure associated with the notion of skills. The message is that your effectiveness as a parent can be measured by the length of your child’s resume. Moreover, the child’s very image becomes very tied to his or her extracurricular activities. The extracurricular activities thus become burdened by considerations apart from whether the child is enjoying them, and before you know it, Dexter can’t drop out of hockey because of what his friends might think, and Kassidy can’t drop out of piano because of what her mother’s friend might think. Compulsion rears its ugly head.

So much has already been written about the over-scheduling of kids, so you already understand the issue. The issue is that the child and the family lose too much time which could be spent together. The modern notion of skill acquisition is an attack on motherhood because it changes everyone’s idea of what successful motherhood looks like. Instead of valuing time together and developing a meaningful relationship with her child, the mother feels pressure to have something to ‘show’ for her child’s years with her. It needs to be obvious that she ‘got things done,’ that she and her child were ‘productive.’ She made sure her child learned to swim, skate and ski. She put her daughter through dance and her son through hockey. Her daughter knows how to change a tire and her son knows how to cook — because the mother is up-to-date like that.


But I’m not quite done. I want to say three things. First, the mad scramble to quickly acquire skills underestimates the ability we have as adults to learn a lot and to have fun doing so. People enjoy learning things that interest them, and so there’s no need to act as though what’s not learned early won’t be learned at all. Second, many extracurricular activities are a bad influence anyway, raising false hopes and skewing priorities, and even fostering arrogance by giving children the illusion that they are experts. Third, sometimes God asks us to give up things that are perfectly good. He might ask you to give up something that you’re excelling at, and which you enjoy. He may ask you, either through prayer and reflection or through unavoidable circumstance, to give up something which you’ve always associated with being a good mother, such as having an organized schedule, making home-cooked meals, or reading bed-time stories to your children at the end of the day. It just may be that he tests you, to see if you can still say, “thy will be done.”

Truth #3: Skills, Schmills. God will use you where he needs you and you’ll be ready.

Lie #4: “You don’t want to be a helicopter parent.”

The phrase “helicopter parent” is meant to refer to a parent who is always around, hovering nearby, when the parent should be gone. It is a derisive phrase, obviously, and is typically used by those people who want to be alone with the child. They dislike the supervision and interference of the parent. Such parents are ‘getting in the way’ of a proper learning experience, or a proper social experience. It is also used by parents who are less involved with their children, who want to find a term which scorns and impugns parents who stay near their children.

Nevertheless, the negative motives of those who give the phrase its power are not the point. The fact is that the phrase exists, and it exists as a lie. The message is that if you knew better, then you would avoid suffocating your child, and stunting her development as a person. If you knew better, you would see the damage that you are doing to your child, preventing her from interacting with the ‘real world’ in a legitimate way. Your involvement is detrimental to your child, because when you are nearby, you are distracting her and unduly restricting her freedom.

Lies, lies, lies.

The truth is that a mother who loves her child is sensitive to her child and knows her child. In the context of a close relationship, numerous personal details have been worked out, and it is not for the outsider to determine what works or what doesn’t work for them. To judge by outside behaviour is to underestimate the ability of mother and child to understand each other. To judge by outside behaviour is to underestimate the goals of the mother and child. Does closeness between mother and child mean that the mother wants her child to become helpless, with no mind or will of his own? Does closeness between mother and child mean that the mother wants her child to be an imitation of her? Why these assumptions? What do you know about the preferences of each? What do you know about the extent of consultation and discussion that has occurred beforehand, and will occur afterwards? What do you know about the plans and goals of parent and child? What do you know about God’s plan for the mother and her child?

The relationship between mother and child begins as a hidden one. My point is that the quality of hiddenness can continue, long after outside observers fail to see the need for a connection. Jesus stayed with his mother when he was a fully-grown adult. I say this not in order to say that people should live at home until the age of thirty, as Christ did, but in order to say that Mary, the best mother the world has ever had, is distinguishable not only by the fact that she gave birth to the Saviour, but also by the fact that she was always there. She was always available to him.

Truth #4: The Blessed Virgin was a helicopter parent too.


Abortion and contraception are, of course, attacks on motherhood, but our society’s hostility to motherhood does not end there. This blog post has addressed four lies which attack motherhood. Each lie accomplishes this by separating the mother from the child, in order to reduce the strength of the bond between the two. Lie #1, that motherhood is not a real job, does the most damage, as it puts pressure on women to work outside the home, with the idea that ‘the real world,’ of commerce, is more important than relationships. The truth is that motherhood is a gift from God, and proper acceptance of this gift entails making God and family life a priority. Lie #2, that children need to go to school, is the other side of this false coin. School, in its present form, is a waste of precious time, because both learning and socializing are better done outside of it. These two lies, taken together, have the effect of sending the mother this way, and the child that way. Lie #3, that children need to develop skills, has the effect of eroding whatever remaining hours that the mother has with her child. The mother, far from being a destination for the child (along with the rest of the family), becomes the means by which the child reaches other destinations, and she becomes little more than the one who drives the child to a playgroup, a club, a practice, a job. Lie #4 is similar, in that it attacks the way that mother and child interact during free time. It challenges the nature and style of the interaction between mother and child, but also adds insult to injury, because it second-guesses the mother’s ability to make sound decisions for her child, and the child’s ability to communicate his preferences to his mother. The lie of the ‘helicopter parent’ is that you wouldn’t want to be one. To the extent that being a helicopter parent means being available and attentive to the needs of one’s child, we can safely say that Mary, mother of Jesus, was the best pilot of all. But before you picture her rising up and speeding away, let me bring you a different picture completely.

Look there. Do you see her?

There she stands, at the foot of the Cross. I suppose you could say she is grounded. She is sorrowful, yes, but she is also steady and strong.

She waits. Soon she will hold her Son in her arms again.

Blessed art thou amongst women.

Post 285

The Grand Finale: A Recipe for December

Everyone who makes borscht on a regular basis has a favorite procedure, and I’m the same way. I normally defer to America’s Test Kitchen recipes down to the last quarter teaspoon, but in the case of hot borscht, I use their recipe as a base and make some alterations. The first big difference is that I do a mostly-vegetarian version. I omit the meat, and instead of making homemade stock, I take a big shortcut and use store-bought tetra-packs of chicken or beef broth. I use 1 or 2 tablespoons of apple cider vinegar, because I find that 5 tablespoons of wine vinegar is too much. As for the sugar, I don’t change that, because 4 tablespoons is nice. I use my Vitamix to deal with the beets (but not any of the other vegetables, because dicing is the way to go with them — otherwise they release too much flavour and overpower the beets) and that works, provided that the beets are not too big. I once got larger beets, and trying to use the Vitamix on them was a disaster, because the machine had to work so hard to get through the tough old fellows that a metallic taste was imparted to the soup. It was a sad moment, I tell you, when I realized the whole batch of finished soup was ruined.

The recipe I use is from The Best Soups and Stews, by America’s Test Kitchen. I’m typing it out as December’s recipe. I hesitated about giving it, because borscht is one of those recipes that people have such strong personal feelings about (and why not — this is a heritage dish, and traditional recipes have earned their place of honour). I didn’t want all the grandmothers in Ukraine to be scandalized that I didn’t use green beans, for example. I didn’t want the aunties in Poltava to shake their heads at the use of 2 tablespoons of tomato paste instead of tomatoes, and at the way the potatoes are incorporated at the very end (and sometimes I don’t even use them at all, truth be told).

But it’s -25 degrees Celsius outside and it’s time to make borscht, one way or another.

So I’ll come clean and show you how I make it, when nobody’s watching.

There will be no secrets between us.


This hearty, thick, ruby-red soup gets its color from beets. It is known for its characteristic sweet-sour flavor. The sour comes from the addition of vinegar, which also helps to preserve the soup, giving it a long shelf life. It benefits from being made at least a day before eating and will still be excellent five days after it is made. Hold off boiling the potatoes until you are serving the soup. Serve with the traditional accompaniment of sour, dark Russian bread or black bread. Note that the cabbage and beets will rise to the surface of the stock when first added to the pot. As they cook, the vegetables will release their water and sink down.

1 tablespoon unsalted butter
1 medium onion, chopped medium
2 medium carrots, chopped medium
2 medium cloves garlic, minced
2 tablespoons tomato paste
2 quarts Rich Beef Stock, strained and skimmed of fat, plus 2 cups meat shredded into bite-sized pieces
1/2 small head green or red cabbage, shredded (about 5 cups)
1 3/4 pounds beets, peeled and grated (about 5 cups)
5 to 6 tablespoons red wine vinegar [I use 1-2 tablespoons of apple cider vinegar instead]
4 tablespoons sugar
1 tablespoon salt
1 bay leaf [I almost always omit this]
3/4 pound small red potatoes (each 1 to 1 1/4 inches in diameter), scrubbed
Ground black pepper
1/2 cup chopped fresh dill
1 cup sour cream

1. Heat the butter in a large stockpot or Dutch oven over medium heat. Add the onion and carrots and cook, stirring occasionally, until softened but not browned, about 5 minutes. Add the garlic and cook until aromatic, about 30 seconds.

2. Add the tomato paste and stir in 1/2 cup of the stock to dissolve the tomato paste. Add the remaining stock, cabbage, beets, 4 tablespoons vinegar, sugar, 2 teaspoons salt, and the bay leaf. Bring to a boil, lower the heat, and simmer until the vegetables are soft and tender, 40 to 45 minutes. (The soup can be cooled and refrigerated in an airtight container for up to 5 days.)

3. Meanwhile, place the potatoes in a medium saucepan, cover with cold water, and add the remaining 1 teaspoon salt. Bring to a boil, lower the heat, cover, and simmer, stirring once or twice to ensure even cooking. Cook until a thin-bladed paring knife or metal cake tester inserted into a potato can be removed with no resistance, 10 to 12 minutes. Drain the potatoes, cool slightly, and cut into quarters.

4. Stir the meat into the pot and remove the bay leaf. Taste and adjust the seasonings, adding the remaining 1 to 2 tablespoons of vinegar, pepper to taste, and 1/4 cup dill. Place 4 potato quarters in each individual soup bowl and ladle some soup over the potatoes. Top with 2 or more pieces of potato, a generous dollop of sour cream, and a generous sprinkling of dill. Serve immediately.

Post 284
(A guest post)

December 11, 2017

My daughter, do not be afraid. You and your family are in my protection. I will not let anything harm you, for each family receives a special grace; I will not let the evil intentions of others be carried out. Do not worry, for nothing will become of this. I will not let anyone separate you. Do not fear. Trust, for your prayers have been heard. Believe and you will see; I will not let a family be divided through the evil intentions of others.

[“Are lemons unhealthy?”] You needn’t worry about the stories of those who want to scare and appear knowledgeable, for in my kingdom, there are many bitter fruits. In the Garden of Eden, there were bitter fruits. Do not believe the lies they (doctors / scientists etc.) tell people. For if one believes and follows all of that which is considered ‘healthy,’ one would die of starvation. I give you food to enjoy, not to resist and avoid out of precaution — no, for they (lemons) are fruit meant to be enjoyed and used. For I created the sweet and the sour, the rich and the dry, the flavourful and the bland — all for you to enjoy and use, for I made them to be combined and added, to make the bland flavourful and the dry, rich and the sour, sweet.

The day I come again is coming. It shall be at an unexpected hour. I will give you what you have longed for. The intentions of all shall be revealed, and the glory of God shall be known. The wars shall end; there shall be no more tears; all shall rejoice. All countries and regions shall see; all those on islands and surrounded land (land-locked regions) shall be there. Water and food shall be plentiful. Those who have tried for and intended good shall be blessed. The valleys will bloom and the waters shall be cleaned, the waves shall be calm and the heat will no longer kill. Wicked (things) shall vanish, evil will be destroyed and the ugly (things) shall perish. Leaders will come down from their thrones, and the unheard shall lead. Injustice shall disappear, for inequality between nations and cultures will disappear. Humanity shall have a fresh start, and those who remained faithful and with me in the darkest of hours will be blessed.

Post 283
(A guest post by Miriam C.)

December 10, 2017

My daughter, do not fear. I will protect you and guide you, for those who follow and trust will not be harmed — no, they shall be rewarded. I have many gifts I want to give you. I hear your prayers; I know what you want. I have promised many gifts, and you shall be deprived of none. I love and lead my flock; I tend to their every need and watch them, especially when the wolves lurk closest. I have many gifts for you.

You, I have chosen, you who follow and believe. There are not many who are ready to accept all of the graces of God and believe.

[“Where are all the good people?”]

There are people with good intentions, good hearts and righteous minds. These people are all around, but not all people have all (of these good things). Not all always have good intentions. Those who want my gifts are welcomed; those who want my gold are invited. You have accepted, and I will not deprive you of them (my promises). For you have taken what no one else has, and I have not forgotten. What has been said shall be done, and I will be with you all the way, through the forests, through the oceans, and through the mountains. I will not leave you to slip and fall; I will guide you.

There will be world peace. . . . For humanity will change and peace will come. The prayers for a world of peace and love have been heard. For He will come again to all. Do not give up hope. Continue to wait and have faith, for those who are waiting with candles to welcome him will be rewarded.

Post 282
(A guest post by Miriam C.)

December 9, 2017

My daughter, I love you. Never be afraid to come to me and never doubt my love . . .

Now is a time to prepare; prepare for a rebirth; prepare for a special time. Trust in me; I will lead you, as I led my people . . . I am always with you — in the day, in the night, when night is day and when day is night. Do not be afraid to follow; do not be afraid to come. All are invited, women and men. I love my people. I am with you even when you cannot see me, even when you do not hear me; I am there when you feel lonely . . . Do not worry about how things will work, about how this could go wrong. I know what you want; I know what you need. I see the injustice that is hidden; I see the intentions and dangers at hand. People do not know what they are protected from; people do not see the damage wanting to be done. Justice is coming for all. Vindications and victories will arise. People will see and believe. Those who ignored will no longer be able to. People are not who they seem; only God can see their every action and intention.

This will not be the Day of Judgment; this is not the last day. It is another chance, another try for humanity. Those who are good in heart shall be blessed and exalted, and those who are wicked shall be revealed, for no longer will they hide in darkness; the evil within shall be shown. Not every action shall be revealed, but many intentions shall be known. All will see the Glory of God. And all shall be shown. The sun and the moon shall shine; what was uncertain shall be known. What was not understandable shall be clear, and what was unthinkable shall happen. Trust, and believe, for those who desire the gifts of God shall receive them.

Post 281
(A guest post by Miriam C.)

December 3, 2017

My daughter, I am glad you have come [to pray]. For I have much to tell you. My daughter, do not (have) fear about which path to take. Do not worry about how things could fall apart. The Lord is good; he always has a plan, even when all seems lost. Do not fear about the future. Many have feared before, many still have fear (about the future), though they needn’t, for God has a plan, which he will show you. Follow, and you will be led. Those who want to do good and follow needn’t worry, for it is only those who resist the gentle guidance (of their Father) who are in danger. For the wolves are likely to lead you if you walk to them. The Lord is gentle and guides you; he knows the way; he knows where he is taking you. Those who believe they do not need God are mistaken, for those who defame their Father in saying they could be created without him do not realize what they are saying. God has mercy on those who run away, who push him away. He who loves them will never turn his back on them. His love is unconditional. The proud and the strong are the ones who wound him; the rich and the high-ranking are who reject him; it is the weak and the lame who cry out for him; it is the poor and the sick who want to see him. Those who believe they do not need him, who are high (in society) are low (in heart). Those who are poor, and believe they need him are rich and high in heart. For when the Day of Judgment comes, the Lord will not count your money, your jewels or your empires. No, he shall count your deeds, your actions and your intentions. For good deeds are jewels, good actions are money and good intentions are empires. The time is coming. Prepare your hearts, for soon your Saviour will come.

Post 280
(A guest post by Miriam C.)

December 2, 2017

My daughter, I love you. I am very pleased with your work and intention.

. . . those who honour and remember Christmas as Christ’s birth will be rewarded and remembered.

. . . Many accept only part of God’s blessings (gifts). For though you do not know the future, you must not underestimate the things in your midst. The question (you ask) is mysterious and deep, for I am happy for their family and their prayers are heard . . .

[“What should I do now?”]

For now, rest, and return tomorrow, for I have much I want to tell you and many others (the world). The interest you have in cultures and countries is one I am pleased with and will be incorporated into the plan, but do not let it hold you back from seeing me, for I love you and have much to explain and tell you and others through you; I have a plan for you and I want you to come even closer to me so I can guide you. My daughter, I love you.

Rejoice, for soon is the anniversary of the birth of Christ.