INCORRECT SCRIPT for GIRLFRIEND
SHE: So, Dogbert, I’ve been thinking.
SHE: I’ve been thinking, you know.
SHE: About things.
SHE: About, you know, like, us.
SHE: I kind of feel,
SHE: I kind of feel,
SHE: like, it’s maybe not really working out.
HE: (internal alarm going off – ding, ding, ding RED ALERT DANGER! Ding DING DING) What do you mean?
SHE: Oh, I’m so sorry, I’m sorry I’m sorry oh Dogbert, don’t be upset, it’s not you, honestly (Pah! You see how she lies?) Honestly, I’m totally not saying you’ve done anything wrong (More lies – she thinks he’s done a lot wrong.)
HE: (confusion) But –
SHE: Oh Dogbert, it’s just –
SHE: Dogbert, I do love you I do, it’s just that, well, you know, it’s been stressful lately, with my mother and everything, you understand, and these days, well, you know how I’ve been wanting to be alone more, you know, contemplate life and so on
HE: (confusion, “ ‘contemplate’ life, you? Since when?”)
SHE: Oh are you upset?
HE: (thinking, “Hell, yes, what do you expect?”) (Silence.)
SHE: Oh I’m so sorry, it’s really nothing you’ve done you’re just such an amazing person I think the world of you really I do. I mean, you’re just so, so, um, strong, and brave, and you’re so direct, and you’re so smart and you’re handsome and athletic and big and strong and um, brave.
HE: (thinking: “True, what she says is true” — but now more confused than ever)
SHE: It’s just that, you know, at a time in my life like this, well, I think I just really need some more time to myself. Just to think things through you know.
SHE: I just need some time alone, you know?
SHE: Dogbert, are you okay? I still totally love you, you know. And you’re just such a wonderful person.
SHE: It’s just I can’t do this anymore. We need to take a break, you know.
HE: (pause) So you’re saying —
SHE: Yeah, we really need to just take a break for a while.
HE: But you said —
SHE: I know, I know, but honestly, it’s nothing you said, nothing you did, it’s totally and I mean totally not your fault, it’s me, it’s just the way I’m feeling right now. It’s not you, it’s me.
HE: uh –
SHE: Yeah, I hope you understand
HE: (Thinking, “Uh, nope, can’t say I do.”)
SHE: Thank you, thank you for being so understanding I’ll just grab my purse and oh (ha ha) my phone. Bye-bye!
CORRECT SCRIPT (if you think you have to do it in person) FOR GIRLFRIEND
SHE: Dogbert, I have to break up with you.
SHE: Yeah, I won’t see you after today.
SHE: Once I walk out the door, you won’t see me anymore.
HE: What? What’s going on?
SHE: Well, it’s not working out for me. I’m looking for Mr. Right and, well, you’re not him.
HE: What? What do you mean, “Mr. Right”?
SHE: You’ve never heard the phrase?
HE: Well, I mean, seriously, please, “Mr. Right” Who’s perfect?
SHE: Well, not you, that much I know.
HE: Excuse me? What?! So you’re looking for — like, “Mr. Prince Charming?” You’re looking for Prince Charming?!
SHE: Yeah, basically.
HE: You’ve got to be kidding. Have you lost your mind?
HE: Since when are you looking for a prince? Who do you think you are, some kind of princess?
SHE: Yes, as a matter of fact, I think I am. Some kind of. [All women are daughters of God, deserving of genuine care and kindness. Similarly, all men are called to be his noble and honourable sons.]
HE: Since when? Alrighty, “Princess.” So what, I’m supposed to start calling you “Your Highness.”?
SHE: Well, no, you won’t be calling me at all.
HE: And why the hell not?
SHE: In the first place, it’s because you phone me to talk about nothing when I’ve asked you not to, and in the second place, it’s because I’m breaking up with you, remember?
HE: And, why’s that? Something wrong with me all ‘a sudden?
SHE: Yes, as a matter of fact, many things, but not all of a sudden.
HE: Like what? Name one thing.
SHE: Dogbert, I already have named one thing, but I don’t have the time, the obligation nor the desire to list any of my reasons. I’m done; I’m through. I’m going to try to find someone who cares more for me, who treats me with kindness.
HE: Alrighty, whatever.
SHE: Yeah, but I’ll say one thing.
HE: And what’s that?
SHE: It’s not me, man, it’s you! Man, it’s you! Goodbye, Dogbert. Goodbye.