Post 114

If You Don't Like the Way I Drive Then Get Off the Sidewalk

(I can’t take credit for the title — just thought it was funny back then and still do.)

Ooh boy.

Was it ever cold last night.

Freezing it felt like.

February, January, something like that.

I wore my winter parka.

Not good enough.

Went back in the house.

Where’s a toque?

No toque.

Here’s the matching hood.

Reattached the hood.

Maybe now I’m set.

And yes, I saw the irony.

Who was that blogger all rhapsodic about spring? All dancy and prancy at the dollar store? All gingham and gangnam and this that and the other thing? Yeah whatever.

Can’t say I know her.


This is me.

The abominable snowman feeling like she weighs 303.

Please attach this white hood to my white parka down to the knees and please help me pull on these squished little strings. (Don’t want no extra air near my ears.) Zip it all up. Waddle on out. Here I come, world!

Puff-ball headed outdoors.

Look out for the white one moving down the block! With one fur-ball dog.

What did you say?

Can’t hear you

While wearing this thing.


You like my mittens?


Yes, thank you!

They were a gift – 100% wool!

Puff-ball walking outdoors. With one furry dog.

That was me.

The dog certainly did pull.

It felt biblical.

(Something about being led where you don’t want to go. Very funny, Lord!)


Slow down pooch!

(Apparently the sidewalk was not good enough. We were on the boulevard – the untrodden path, as they say.)

Oh well.

At least the parka was white. Down to the knees. Glowing and showing against the late evening sky.

Nothing quite so enjoyable as being Conspicuous when you don’t feel in the mood. Oh well. Who cares. I don’t want to be Cold. (That’s the problem with being cool: cool, when it comes to human relations, is sometimes a little too close to cold, don’t you find?) Nope, never liked to be cold. Firm is okay, but don’t like to be cold. Firmness isn’t the same as coldness. The opposite of soft can be firm. Firmness can be good. The Catholic Church is often firm but that’s because she’s a good mother. Doesn’t mean she doesn’t care. It means she means what she says when she says it. It means, she cares a lot, as a matter of fact.

Recognize me?

I’m that blogger who was telling you how great it is that spring has arrived. When was that? Oh yeah – just a few hours ago.

Sheesh – what’s the temperature anyhow? Minus 33?

There I was considering the pathos of the scene. All I need now is a YouTube video of me, bundled in white getting yanked across the block. What would make this picture complete? How about some snow weighing down all these blossom-laden branches? How about a few icicles hanging from my nose?



Sat for a minute on a bench.


This isn’t going to work.

Turned around. Went home. No more walk for you, furry dog.

Went to bed early.

Still chilly.

Slept in my clothes.

But took off the wool mittens.

Hit the snooze button on my head.


I was out.

That brings me to today.

New thoughts.



My goodness!

I didn’t see that!

Sure never saw that coming!

Oh my!

Could it be?

It kind of makes sense but –


How can I write about that?

There’s no way I’ll say – that!

I mean really!

Even with poetry, don’t think I could say


Then I laughed to myself.

What does it matter

Nobody could possibly guess

For now

What I do say

What have I got to lose?

(Said the abominable snowman

With some old

Floppy shoes)

So I said it

Just now


And now:

Hey brother!

I got myself a custom-made license plate!

Guess what it says?


(The government request-form at the registry asked me to explain the meaning of the license plate that I chose – an illegitimate request on their part, I think you’ll agree – and I answered like this: “Means I’m Catholic.”

Stupid-heads. The whole point of a personalized plate is to make something personal. They know perfectly well they have no business trying to break the code by pretending to ask something “Official.”

Bozos. But anyway.

Won’t miss a chance to catechize and brag about something I love.)


Kind of a joke

After all,

Since when does anyone think

of a Rocket

When they look upon

a 2010 mini-van?

Ha ha


Your sister